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The Driving Lesson/Transcript
The complete transcript for The Driving Lesson Intro Title sequence Plot Segment 2 Adventures With Bill Teaser Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm, :A man who likes to putter. :He slipped and fell off the roof one day, :And landed in the butter. :He flipped and flopped for an hour or more, :'Til he was rescued by his wife. :She warned him that butter is bad for his health, :But he claimed it saved his life. The Possum Lodge Word Game Handyman Corner Commercial bumper {Red and Harold walk into the lodge. Red is holding a piece of paper in his hand while Harold makes driving motions with his hands.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got lots more of it. Midlife Plot Segment 3 Auto Biography {A car is seen driving through a garage in the lodge, with Mike in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Mike drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red braces for the car to crash. Mike stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera, shaking it briefly. Everyone gets situated in their seats.} RED GREEN: All right, uh, welcome to "Auto Biography", where, uh, members of Possum Lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. Got Mike Hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us his favorite car of all time. {to Mike} Mike? MIKE HAMAR: Ah, that's easy, Mr. Green. RED GREEN: Yeah... MIKE HAMAR: Corvette Stingray. RED GREEN: Oh boy. MIKE HAMAR: What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me. RED GREEN: {chuckles} No. {nods} That was a beautiful car, Mike. MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. I remember the first 'vette I took out for a spin. It was sitting there, parked in front of the convenience store there, and, uh, keys in the ignition there, idling... Man! RED GREEN: So you didn't actually own the Corvette? MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, but, uh, you know, for an hour, it was mine. And fast! I mean, she could run– outrun any police cruiser on the road, you know. I mean, that is one great car. Now, I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette, and then they'd sell it for parts. I mean, to me, that is criminal! It's criminal! Cutting up a 'vette, I mean, huh! HAROLD GREEN: You know, uh, Mr. Hamar, you might wanna remind our viewers that, y'know, car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do. MIKE HAMAR: {realizing} Oh! Oh yeah! Well, oh, yeah, for sure! Um, you know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a Corvette, buy one. RED GREEN: Yeah, but they are expensive, though, are they not? MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah, they are expensive, yeah, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday, when they've got a lot of cash... RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance, then holds up one hand} Mike, now, remember how that ended? MIKE HAMAR: {realizing again} Oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Oh, yeah, you're right, Mr. Green. I don't do that no more. RED GREEN: Oh, okay, good, Mike. Maybe what you need to do, you know, work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating, and you can get yourself your own Corvette. You know, one that you actually own. MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right, and then some loser comes along and swipes it for a joyride? No, thanks. {Red shrugs} Adventures With Bill Commercial bumper: Fan contributions {A slab of stone is displayed with an image of a grinning Harold carved into it.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Thanks to our buddy, Jim Jackson, for this carving of Harold. Plot Segment 4 Red's Advice to Teenagers The Experts Plot Segment 5 WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here at possum lodge. Harold, you got an announcement? No. Oh, come on now. He's a little shy. Harold has gotten his driver's license. He's well on his way to becoming a man, because now he has a reason to get a vehicle. Once he gets that vehicle, he will be a man, unless it's, like, an '87 sunbird. Ok, ok, yeah, ok, yes, I took the driving test. But I had some mishaps, some miscues, and property damage. You flunked again? Yeah. I had the same driving examiner as last time. There's only one driving examiner in the possum lake area. I should have expected that. She gave me the benefit of the doubt, until I ran over her foot -- I didn't signal. Yeah, I know. Same foot as last time -- she was ticked. You got to get right back up on that horse. You got to go there tomorrow and take the test again. No, I can't do that. Why not? There's various reasons, but number one is that the test car doesn't come back from the autobody shop till next week. That will slow me up some. She says I have to take lessons before I can retest. Nobody in their right mind would give you driving lessons. You will? -- Thank you. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. If any of you are driving instructors, I'll tell you, you are all underpaid. It says "driver will come to a complete stop "four meters prior to the intersection, "creep forward, come to another complete stop, "prior to entering said intersection." there are two kinds of people, those who do things, and those who write manuals. A rolling stop is fine. (laughing) rolling stop doesn't mean rolling over. We were around that corner on two wheels. The possum van only has two good wheels. Besides, there was nobody coming. So you stop when you see cars coming? Yeah... If it's got lights on the roof. No, no, no, no, no, no, if you're going to teach me to drive, it has to be by proper traffic rules. In 35 years, I've never had a problem. You haven't, but everyone else sure has. Do you want to be on the road driving with people who drive like you? I thought not. (red): Later on we've got an adventure with bill featuring tennis, obviously. He's just warming up a bit. Give me the racquet. Thank you very much. Ow, ow, ow. Yeah, all right, so, he's got the warm-up balls there, and the various animal-trap containers there. Away you go, bill. Get over there. Go on, get over there. Away you go. Get over there. He may not be quite fit enough for this... Tennis has a long history of people who shouldn't be playing it. So we're right in line with that. It's more of an older person's game. Oh, you got your bouncer. Oh! It was a poor choice. But he's all right. Oh, oh, golly! The racquets are much bigger these days. I guess bill didn't know-- what are you doing? You just need a couple. You need just a couple in there. Oh. It's like that big bucket of fried chicken. Serves 20. Oh boy. He's starting to look a bit like a chicken, isn't he? Wow. Way you go, way you go. Oh, man, mister agility. Make a wish. There we go. He can't handle the heat. What are you doing? Oh, all right. No, that's an apple. Bill, bill. That's an apple. Oh, boy, he's got a wicked slice. Oh, well, there's an up side. ♪ ohhh ♪ ♪ my uncle has a dairy farm ♪ ♪ a man who likes to putter ♪ ♪ he slipped and fell off the roof one day ♪ ♪ and landed in the butter ♪ ♪ he flipped and flopped for an hour or more ♪ ♪ till he was rescued by his wife ♪ ♪ she warned him that butter is bad for his health ♪ ♪ but he claims it saved his life ♪ this is for the big one, a water-balloon launcher and 40 air-sick bags. You have 30 seconds to get mr. Franklin to say this word. Canada. Canada. And go! All right, dougie, a country. The united states of america. Ok, this is america's largest trading partner. The dallas cowboys. No -- I'm talking about the second biggest country in the world. It's gotta be texas. Think country, ok? This is a country directly north of america. Alaska. The longest undefended border in the world is between the u.S.A. And... France, I believe. (laughing) monsieur. Dougie, I was born in this place. Home for unwed mothers. (laughing) I'm talking about where we are right now. Where are we, right here? Oh, oh, ontariari-- no, no, no. Manitoulin-- no, no, no. Nova somethin'. Those are provinces. What's the difference? We're out of time. Way to go. Oh, that's still a country? (laughing and applause) this week we're gonna make a project that's going to make you popular with the kids. We'll build our own air-hockey game. You got two basic principles: Holes, and you got wind going through them. We've all been there. You need a couple of dryers. You can pick these up at a garage sale, or if you stay up late, you can hoist a couple out of a laundromat. The dryers are free, but the quarters to keep them running will eventually break ya. Plug up the exhaust so that the air will go where you want it to go. The vent is in the back. Plug her up with a ball or a small houseplant. These units already have a fair amount of lint build-up. That will do the job for us. Somebody must have dried a cat in there. Push these dryers together. And then keep them together using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. There's always one, isn't there? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! So that's where they go! Hockey is a real physical game with the slap shots and the cross-checking, and the inevitable fist fights. So make sure you horse these babies down. Ok, remember that we plugged up all the exhaust vents. So now we punch some holes in the top so the air will blow up. Not blow up -- boom. Blow up -- phhht. This could take longer than I thought. There we go. Boy, that's a little rougher than what I... What you do now, of course, is you add another layer on that. Ok, our new surface now will be pegboard. You'll probably find a hunk of this over your work bench. I never used it all that much anyhow. Actually, I dated a girl named peg board. She ended up marrying a real tool. When you put the pegboard on, make sure you've got the smooth side up. This is what they call good-one-side. Come to think of it, so was the girl I dated. We got her all set. I got a jar lid. That's my puck. And I got bowls to hit it with. The beauty of using a dryer is you've got the timer. Even get a buzzer that goes off when the game's over. You can be any team. If you want to be a european team, just set her on delicate. Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. It's hockey night in canada. (crashing) wow, my first break-away. Whatever this is, we got lots more of it. I want to talk to you older folks about a little secret that we all share. It's about something called wisdom. We may not have as much of it as young people think we do. Now, I know we all know the fastest route to the cottage and the best food and the best music and t.V. Shows. That's more a sign of our minds narrowing, not deepening. When I was little, I thought all old people were wise, until they'd open their mouths. Then I'd realize, "what a stupid old coot." (laughing) so as you get on in years, learn to fake wisdom... With silence. If you don't have a knowing brain, fake it with a knowing smile. When you nod and smile, people will think, well... Exactly. In extreme cases, you can add a wink and a chuckle. 'cause you know what that says. Well, that says... (chuckling) (laughing) remember, I'm pullin' for ya, because, well... (chuckling) (coughing) that wasn't too bad, harold. Old lady benkman yelled a lot but I think those shrubs were already dead. Oh, that possum van's big, huh? Ooh, that's got some power there, I'll tell ya! Yeah, yeah. I meant to tell you. It will go faster than seven miles an hour. I was maintaining a safe speed limit. It's not a golf cart. When you stop for a hitchhiker and they say, "no, I'm in a hurry," that's a clue. As a matter of fact, if you can smell your own exhaust, that's nature saying, "pick up the pace." ok, that's good, ok. I can pick up the pace. How were the turns? Uh, interesting -- I don't think you're letting go of the steering wheel soon enough... Unless you meant to make the u-turn in the tunnel. Again, a good point. I'll try to remember that. Pick up the pace, work on the turns... I got brakes down cold, though. You slapped the binders on. The windshield's hard, isn't it? How's your head? I'm gonna have a lump, yeah. Ohhh! All right, welcome to "auto biography", where, uh... ... Members of possum lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. We got mike hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us about his favourite car of all time. Aw, that's easy, mr. Green. Corvette stingray. What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me. No. That was a beautiful car, mike. I remember the first 'vette I took for a spin. It was parked in front of the convenience store... Keys in the ignition, there... Idling. Man! So you didn't actually own a corvette. Well, no, but, you know, for an hour it was mine. Oh. And fast? She could outrun any police cruiser on the road. That was one great car. I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette and then sell it for parts. To me, that is criminal. It's criminal. Cuttin' up a 'vette. I mean, huh! You know, mr. Hamar, you might remind our viewers that car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do. (audience laughing) oh, yeah, well, yeah, for sure. You know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a corvette, buy one. Yeah, but they are expensive, are they not? Yeah, they are expensive, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday when they got a lot of cash... (audience laughing) mike, now, remember how that ended? Oh, yeah, that's right. You're right, mr. Green. I don't do that no more. Maybe you need to work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating. Then you can get your own corvette, one you actually own. Then some loser swipes it for a joy ride? No, thanks. (audience laughing) (red): As I tried to warn you earlier, "adventures with bill" this week is at the tennis court. I fire one up-- oh! Ohhh! Ohhh! All the balls came out of his pants. Maybe those are gallstones. Couldn't care less, to be honest. I'll fire a few at bill. Try this, bill, try this. Just try and return the serve -- try this. No chance! No chance. What? What's the matter? You wuss, get back in there and take it like a man. What are you doin'? Ohhh! All right. I'm still here. (laughing) yeah, I know, you're gonna jump up and down. Try this. No chance. (laughing) boy, tennis is a fun, fun, fun game. What's goin' on? Oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! He's got an idea. Ahhhh! Ok, I see. He's gonna take his racquet... You need something to attach that with. What are you doin'? Nothin' in there you can use. Don't use-- bill, don't use that. Bill... Bill... Bill? Tennis is a class game. Use your shoelaces. Use your shoelaces. Your shoelaces... Yeah, your shoelaces. All right, so you don't have shoelaces. Look what you gained. (laughing) man! Now, there's a racquet. Nice hit! Beautiful! What? Oh! Oh! (bill): Ohhhh! (red): Ohhh! By golly. See what happens when you try to cheat, boys and girls? I'll get the tin man back to the locker room. Away you go. (squeaking) (red): Thanks to jim jackson for this carvin' of harold. We got the van down off the gazebo. We can go again if you're sure which pedal is which now. I panicked! I panicked, ok? It's your fault -- you told me alphabetical order. Brakes, gas -- alphabetical order. I thought you meant accelerator, brakes! Even if it is accelerator, "e" comes after "b"! Come on, let's go. No more driving for me. I'm gonna concentrate on the manual. Your test is in two hours. Yeah, I know, so help me with this one. "two drivers approach an unmarked intersection "at the same time. "who has the right of way?" the guy in the big truck. No, the guy on the right always has the right of way. Unless the other guy has the big truck. Check the manual. Check the cemetery. (audience laughing) a lot of you kids are lookin' for part-time work. Get yourself extra money, buy something your parents think is stupid. Unfortunately, you'll come face to face with a sad fact of life -- minimum wage. You're expected to give up all your Friday nights and weekends for a paper hat, french-fry basket, and four bucks an hour. If it was up to me, I'd give you five times that much for wearing the dorky uniform, but it's not up to me. Minimum wage is one of those things life throws at you. It's a door we all pass through. It may be the only door you pass through, so work hard, tough it out. In no time, you're making 20, 30, maybe 40 cents above minimum wage. You'll be on easy street. Welcome to my favourite portion of the show, where we examine those words men find so hard to say... (audience): "I don't know!" excellent! Way to go! On the expert portion, joining my uncle red green is his best friend in the whole room, mr. Dalton humphrey! (applause and cheering) our letter goes, "dear experts, I want to cook vegetarian "but meat is all my husband will eat. "how can I get him to eat a balanced diet?" ahhhh! You gotta remember there are two major food groups. There's meat and there's salt, so your husband's already half-way there. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Haven't you forgotten, like, you know, dairy and fruits and vegetables and grains? We haven't forgotten them. If you can't say anything good about something-- amen. Yeah. (humphrey): Yeah, for a healthy, balanced male diet, you want to vary your kinds of meat. Variety of cuts, variety of grades, variety of barbecue sauce. You know, around our home, we will have as many as 17 different kinds of meat in a week. (audience laughing) 17 different kinds of meat?! (laughing) what butcher shop are you goin' to? You don't need a butcher shop when you live near the highway. (laughing and applause) ohhh... No, no. So, uh, you're eatin' the road-kill, are you, dalton? We're eating all-natural, organically raised, free-range, automotively processed food products. So, uh, dalton, like, uh... How do you cook, you know, the road-kill thing? Well, it's not hard. Most of it's already grilled. (audience laughing) (laughing) but that's gotta be tough. Some tough meat, there. Yeah, some of it's already been pounded to pemmican but at the point of impact, it's always pretty tender, and what you want to do is presentation, because there's nothing like presentation-- oh, that's true. ... To enhance the flavour. What we do, we'll paint a white line down the centre of the dining room table... And we'll serve our meal sometimes on a hubcap. I can just picture your whole family bowin' the heads for grace. "look both ways before you cross." eh? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, but, you know, sometimes we'll sing a couple of verses -- "I got my kicks on route 66"! (laughing) well, I hope you two clowns remember you are what you eat. Well, that's true, harold. Tell us more about your vegetables. (audience laughing) harold went down for his drivin' test so I would think the examiner will be submitting her resignation any moment now. I got it! I got it, I got it! I got it -- what's that? It! I got it, it, it, it! (audience laughing) how did it go? I got it. Oh. I got 61% on the written test. The eye exam was bad, but I was looking into the coffee machine. Can't believe you got your licence -- congratulations. Thank you, yeah! You're a big part of this. I have you to thank. Having a good teacher can make all the difference. My third year in grade 9 was a whole new world. The head driving examiner, he figured if I got my licence, I'd be driving instead of you. Said it was the lesser of two evils, and I got it. (possum squeal) meeting time, meeting time. I can't wait to show the guys. (laughing) I got it! If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I'm gonna let harold drive me so you might duct-tape some tires to the front of the house... Wait under the basement stairs till I give you the all-clear. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and mr. Unsafe-at-any-speed, and the whole gang up here, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): I got my licence. I got a licence. I got a licence. I'll be driving, now that I got a licence. Anybody needs a ride somewhere? I got my licence. (red): Harold! Harold! (harold): I got one of those. It's no big deal. Meeting time! Meeting time! You need a licence to have a meeting. (red): Shut up, harold. (all): Quando omni... To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!